It’s kind of funny that I’m baptizing my blog with such a ridiculous statement, but it’s true. I like bastards. I really do. I think the world is an interesting and refreshing place in large part because it contains individuals who don’t quite adhere to the social norm of counterfeit politeness. People take great pains not to offend others – often for good reason – but I can think of so many instances in which a failure to be honest set someone up for disappointment, allowed someone to justify their denial or simply encouraged someone to continue being an idiot because no one had the nerve to put them in their place. Think about it; what would happen to you if you were a little less demure, and more blatantly honest? Would you die? Would one of your limbs fall off? Would random bad things happen to you? No. There are plenty of forthright people on this planet, and they have spouses, friends and admirers. I’m one such admirer (and I’ve been known to be rather forthright myself at times, so I’m a self-admirer too – even better!).
If you haven’t heard of David Thorne, take a deep breath. This is the ultimate test of just how uptight you really are. If you don’t find him clever and hilarious, you should probably stop reading my blog right now. Mr. Thorne is in my opinion one of Australia’s greatest minds. He’s a bastard, and just when you think he’s really pushing his limits – he just keeps steamrolling ahead. His e-mail exchange with a Christian volunteer at his son’s school is an excellent example of David’s keen attention to detail, as well as his signature trick of turning people’s own ‘logic’ against them, and truly frustrating them (and amusing the rest of us) in the process.
Jeff Lewis, star of Flipping Out, is a bastard too. He’s a bonafide drama queen, which allows you to enjoy his outlandish and shameless tendency to dominate and control without taking him too seriously. He’s the sort of person we all secretly love, because when he gets out of control, you think, ‘OMG, I can’t believe he just said that!!’. But you’re glad he said it because there’s probably a small grain of truth to what he said, and it made you laugh. I love the relationship he has with his housekeeper Zoila because they constantly take stabs at each other, but you can still see the love. And now that she’s a legal citizen, Jeff has a hard time dealing with her declining willingness to co-operate. Apparently, his behaviour on the show is not an act, and I honestly think I’d like to work for him. The only people who should be afraid to do so are incompetent types who don’t like being around crazy people. I do.
One last entry because I just can’t resist. Meet Ricky from Trailer Park Boys (played by the fabulous Robb Wells). What I love about this show is the fact that the actors are the writers, you can tell that some of it is improv (how can it not be with such brilliant lines?) and their impressive roster of characters are completely out of control. The first couple of times I saw this show, I thought it was stupid. But at one point, someone did something ridiculous and hilarious, and I got what TPB is all about. Now, before you say, “Wait a minute – people aren’t like that in real life!”, I’ll tell you: oh yes they are. I know some, and they are awesome. Wikipedia does a fabulous job of summarizing Ricky’s character, so allow me to quote: “While good natured towards his friends and family, Ricky is also foul-mouthed, volatile, and aggressive, and almost always manages to anger and alienate those around him. He has always been a trouble maker and often refuses to take responsibility for his actions, illegal or otherwise. Fortunately, he is very adept at talking his way out of trouble with the police”. Be sure to check out classic Rickyisms. Once you experience them, there’s no going back.
Please don’t misconstrue my message; bastards are not to be confused with assholes, who are cantankerous, miserable folk. Bastards have a sense of panache and justice about them. And while I realize that this short list only includes men, rest assured that I raise my hat to all the female bastards out there as well. I hope I’m one of them. So the next time you find yourself saying, “I’m sorry”, terrified that your mouth might spew something closer to your true thoughts, like “WTF is your problem?” – try being a bastard and see what happens. I guarantee you’ll breathe a sigh of relief.